movies left for dead

The House of the Devil (2009) There are two common opinions of this beautiful-looking horror film set in the mid 1980s. It's either too slow, with a dissapointing ending, or, it is busting with suspense and.....also has a dissapointing ending. A few recent horror films have pulled this off successfully. Hostel and Wolf Creek for example (The House of the Devil is much less violent than those). But if you're going to keep us in Hitchcock-style suspense for an hour, with something catastrophic expected to eventually transpire, at least have it make sense!

As you can probably guess, Devil falls into the occult/demonic/supernatural category. This is all fine and good, but the reason for the director setting it in the mid-80s doesn't sit right. In an interview he notes that devil worship and satanic cults were a hot topic in the 80s and then says "people aren't afraid of the devil anymore." Really? Okay...this is news to ME! Also, the tagline on the movie poster makes no sense for the film: "talk on the phone. Do your homework. Watch TV. Die." That's the best they could do? Must be tongue-in-cheek.

Nonetheless, Devil is artistic about it's setting and doesn't poke fun at the 80s (you know what i'm talking about). The opening credits and music (which sounds like a variation of the Cars' "Moving in Stereo"), make it clear that it wants that feel of the era and wants to be so good at it that you will take 80s culture more seriously (which we should!). Aside from vintage music by Thomas Dolby and the Fixx, there are also visual and plot hints of classics Rosemary's Baby and the little known Alison's Birthday, and possibly the more recent Skeleton Key. Also, there's a brief appearance of an actress that will look familiar if you've seen early 80s werewolf classic the Howling.

The story centers on a girl who agrees to stay in a big scary isolated house, in which we assume something suspicious is going on. Eventually, the climax does arrive, with 15 minutes left in the movie. In that 15 minutes she does something odd while not choosing the more obviously action. And somehow she impossibly survives! Earlier, when she's nervous and scared, she does something else that makes no sense. The pizza delivery guy (who is actually one of the "bad" people) drops off a pizza. She open the door, grabs the pizza and closes the door immediately, not asking his help. In a parallel universe (a subject scientists are trying to prove with goofy examples) this could have made for a worthwhile path. While the idea of an innocent girl getting mixed up with the devil's followers is realistic enough, the place that Devil leads to is a construction area without a caution sign. [rating: $5] -Kenyon

movies left for dead.

Body Shop (aka Doctor Gore, 1973) Even though it's only 75 minutes, the truly terrible Body Shop could easily be edited down to 15. Every scene and every motion drags at a lumbering pace, which doesn't help when half the plot is unclear. This seems to be the case though--a woman dies and her lover, a mad scientist, reforms her from body parts of other women. That's where the body shopping and chopping comes in, and admittedly for the early 70s, this is gory stuff. However, even that slicing off of legs, etc, moves super slowly. These operations are assisted by a mute hunchback weirdo whose job is to dispose the unused body parts in acid. After the girl is assembled, she and her creator spend at least 15 minutes in the film getting "acquainted". Plans for the doctor, however, go sour and before you know it the doctor is in a jail cell while his girl is out roaming the world meeting new people. Something like that. [rating: $1] -Kenyon

movies left for dead.

Alien Contamination (1980) Hundreds of watermelon-size egg-like things have appeared in New York City. The authorities are on it, and they find out that they explode onto people and then two seconds later the victim's guts explode out in a gory manner, which is fairly impressive for this type of early 80s, lower budget film. The eggs are very important to the people that have a plan for them. And they are so important, these eggs, that men will sacrifice themselves to keep it covered. In one scene some dudes get caught in a warehouse with the eggs, so they shoot the eggs in front of themselves and die instantly. Later, in a flashback, it's shown that the strange eggs originated from Mars and one of two astronauts took back a "seed" to grow a cyclops. Yes, a cyclops. This sorta comes out of nowhere near the end, but it's very entertaining. It's an alien creature, the size of a large tree--and kinda shaped that way--that is in the basement of the facility housing the eggs. It is controlling minds and making its servants harvest the eggs, which apparently have no other purpose than to explode and release toxic substances. Anyway, the other astronaut saves the day, although one of the other hero lead characters is unexpectedly eaten by the cyclops. Wooops! [rating: $3] -Kenyon

movies left for dead


Cannibal Holocaust (1980) If there has ever been a film that you can call "not for the squeamish," it's Cannibal Holocaust--hell, it was banned in like 50 countries. A groundbreaking, shocking cannibal film that, although isn't perfect, set the bar for copycats (Welcome to the Jungle, anyone? Kenyon raises his hand). Shot on 16mm, it's gruesome and explicit, even by today's standards. It's even controversial within the film itself, while the production and filming faced all sorts of problems. If you want to get deep, read up about the social-political messages it represents. Without spoiling anything (really, it's just something you have to see), most of the first half of the film follows an anthropologist searching in the Amazon jungle for a lost group of people who were filming some sort of twisted documentary about native tribes, and apparently, cannibal tribes. Although the group is notorious for setting up graphic scenes, they are now dead, and likely eaten. The search party is able to obtain the film reels and bring them back to the U.S, where they discover that the footage is not at all appropriate for public exposure. As the film within a film progresses, the documentary crew pushes things WAY too far in their quest to fabricate their story. Inevitably, they end up as bones. Now, there are some scenes in Holocaust--some of it is REALLY effed up--that are REAL. That said, the uncut version deserves an NC-17 rating, as it is difficult to forget. [rating: $10] -Kenyon

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Magic (1978) Ventriloquist dummies are creepy, and a young Anthony Hopkins and his dummy Fats more than fulfill that notion. Sort of a twist on Psycho and other movies with someone who has a split personality, Corky is a troubled guy who is overcome by the identity of Fats. Magic is well made and acted, though the only thing missing in this early psychological horror film is a clear reason as to why Corky is off balance (something with his parents?) and how and why he decided to acquire a dummy after failing as a magician. [rating: $5] -Kenyon

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Wood Chipper Massacre (late 1980s) Amateur, camcorder-shot sorta horror-comedy concerning three kids that accidently kill their aunt and dispose of her in the woodchipper. There's a video on youtube that condenses the whole movie into a few minutes, which is really all that's necessary. Oh and the acting is beyond-the-door bad. [rating: $0] -Kenyon

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The Abomination (late 1980s) A bizarre grotesque parasite thing is spawned at a man's house. First its under his bed and then in the kitchen cabinets and clothes washer. It makes him kill people for food, including his mother, who is too dumb to get away from a monster confined to the cabinets and slow to stretch out its tentacles. Amusing for its cheap gore. [rating: $1] -Kenyon

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Mosquito (1994) Campy, fun gore via giant mosquitos. Cast includes Gunnar Hanson (Texas Chainsaw Massacre) who pays homage to himself by picking up a chainsaw. Fun times, unless you have a serious phobia of mosquitos. [rating: $6]

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Piranha II: the Spawning (1982) The piranhas have mutated into flying piranhas. Lance Henriksen (Aliens, Pumpkinhead) highlights the cast, who is directed by James Cameron (!) for his first feature film. Spawning is slow moving for most of the first hour, so it's only worth seeing the fish attacking. Appreciate this now before the remake of the original comes out. [rating: $2] -Kenyon

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Bloody Murder (1999) Low budget slasher that blatantly rips-off the most basic stories (guy with hockey mask terrorizing people at a camp, sound familiar?). While the potential victims speculate on who is the maniac, Bloody Murder goes into different directions for no reason other than to fill time. Total dud. [rating: $0] -Kenyon

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Intruder (1989) One of many combinations of Sam Raimi/Ted Raimi/Bruce Campbell/Scott Spiegel, Intruder has been called the last great slasher of the 1980s. It doesn't really stand out in any way and settles as a typical slasher with the usual "twist" (although this is spoiled in the trailer, how dumb). Campbell is billed as a starring actor, but actually is only it for a couple minutes at the end. Sam and Ted Raimi, at least, play two of the several characters inventively knocked off by an unknown assailant in a supermarket, late at nite after they get the news that the store is permanently closing. From the start, you know they are all doomed when they split up and go searching for people. All of Intruder is shot in and in front of a supermarket (although it's much better than the Gingerdead Man, shot entirely in a bakery). Sam Raimi uses camera shots/views that you may recognize from Evil Dead. Though of course, Intruder is no Evil Dead. [rating: $5] -kenyon

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Welcome to the Jungle (2007)
"Torture porn" movies like Hostel, Wolf creek, and Turistas were good at spending the first half of the story getting to know groups of adventurers, before they suddenly meet their doom. A straight to DVD "Dimension Extreme," the "unrated" Jungle makes the same attempt, all the while pretending to be filmed by a POV shakey cam, ala Blair Witch. Four unfortunate travellers seek fame and fortune by searching the jungle for a Michael Rockefeller, who is rumored to still be living amongst the native cannibals. Obviously a terrible idea, but the four young adults--one whose acting is deplorable--proceed anyway. Already short at 82 minutes, roughly half of that is unnecessary mundane clips of them chilling out and talking to each other or to the camera. [rating: $2] - Kenyon

movies left for dead.

April Fool's Day (1986) One of several slasher films from the early 80s that uses a day of the year as a gimmick, April Fool's Day features an all-star cast of actors who have been seen elsewhere in movies that were more memorable. This includes Thomas Wilson (Biff from Back to the Future), Deborah Foreman (Valley Girl) and Amy Steele (essentially reprising her role as a heroine from Friday the 13th Part 2). Unfortunately, their combined forces aren't able to help this tongue in cheek horror flick stand out from its peers, even with it's April Fool's "twist." A group of college kids are invited to a secluded home of a mutual friend, who has set up all sorts of tricks, like dribble glasses and chairs with faulty legs. Before you can say "formulaic" the kids start disappearing and heads and body parts are found. It wouldn't be half-bad if the movie continued on a safe, well-traveled path. Instead, its effort to manipulate the viewer (and two lead characters) disregards important scenes in the movie's plot development, as if the movie itself doesn't know which way to go. Once the surprise ending sucks the life out of the party, April Fool's has more in common with the mystery comedy Clue than an average and more honest vintage slasher. [rating: $3] -Kenyon

movies left for dead.

Vacancy 2: the First Cut (2009) The first Vacancy--which, unlike this typical prequel, actually had a theatrical release--was set at a hotel where three sickos film their own killings of their guests (aka snuff). That first film showed the demise of their business of selling copies of their work. In the prequel, which doesn't do things much differently from the cat and mouse chases in the first film, we are informed of how these entrepeneurs got started. Or at least one of them anyway, as the other two are killed by the lead girl after they kill her boyfriend and his tag along friend. This girl is so tough she implausibly is able to shoot one of these guys from beneath a shallow pond in the dark. The remaining snuffer who gets away, we have to assume, is one of the masked guys in the first film, who somehow survives being set on fire and stabbed in the side of his face. The snuffers didn't have those trap doors and underground passageways yet, so a lot is left to desire. Three maniacs can be better than one (like in Mother's Day, Wrong Turn). In this case, three's a crowd. [rating: $3] -Kenyon

movies left for dead

Let's Scare Jessica to Death (1971) A psychological chiller rarely mentioned, Let's Scare pre-dates some of horror's most influential films, allowing it to walk its own path. While it does have that 1970s horror film atmosphere, the movie only plays mind games with the namesake character and ultimatly the viewer. The emotional mess Jess has recently left a mental hospital. She, her husband and a pal move to a big house in rural Connecticut, where Jess starts seeing things and hearing voices. It's not clear if all the images she sees are real or in her mind. Meanwhile, they are acquainted with a woman who they find already living in the house. She turns out to be either a vampire, a ghost or just a sick and twisted drifter who strums a stringed instrument with audio dubbed over it (yes!). In the early 70s this must have spooked people, but with a lack of meaning and no closure, the film--even with its moments of suspense--comes up short in its attempt to scare. [rating: $5] -Kenyon

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They (aka Invasion from Inner Earth) (1981) The cheapest of cheap effects (smoke bombs), non-existent action and excessive speaking from the main characters is what this abomination of film making relies on. Providing little to no sense at all, They makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like the Day the Earth Stood Still. For most of the 90 minutes, five people sit around in a secluded cabin, speculating about the chaos in the world supposedly caused by aliens who are never even shown! It's assumed it is the aliens randomly communicating over ham radio in robotic voices, saying things like, "how many are you"? Adding to the beyond amateur low budget is the method of making people disappear. Mmmbop they are there, mmmbop they're gone! Why that even happens isn't explained. As if things weren't confusing enough, this "movie" has been under at least three different titles with various cover arts that are all misleading. The cover of my copy has only the face of a reptilian-like creature with fangs. [rating: $0] -Kenyon

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The Boogens (1981) Mostly mundane in its first hour, the Boogens (which is rare on VHS and never put to DVD) suffers from several pot holes. Oh my bad, i mean PLOT holes. The "monsters" keep a low profile during that hour, only showing their tentacle grabbing people. When the mutants are finally shown full body (i think), it's still a mystery as to the what, why, where and how. The "how" being this: how could they have survived in a mine tunnel cave for 80 years. And how about this for a why: Why do they kill one guy in the garage and then bring him down to the cave where he is found floating in the water, while they kill some girl and leave her in the basement. Just left there. Didn't even bother to eat her. The two lead girls look straight out of most any other early campy 80s horror film, and in fact one of them was in the original Prom Night. At least the Boogens didn't get REMADE yet! [rating: *1/2] -Kenyon

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The Cavern (2005) Ruined by unlikeable characters and a ludicrous ending, the Cavern sets a new low for horror set in the underground. A group of adventurers, whose passion for cave exploration is hardly believable, find a cave that has never been explored. It happens to be a year after their friend DIED in a cave during one of their outings. But that doesn't stop them from going into a big hole in the middle of nowhere! A creature--which we don't see much of till the end--has apparently been dwelling in the cave, surviving for years without eating people, until now (just like the Boogens!). When its identity is revealed, the Cavern only digs itself into a deeper hole (ha!). Let's just say that there's no way the creature would have the strength to push large boulders like it does. [rating: *] -Kenyon

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Open Water 2: Adrift (2006) The original Open Water had no cause for a sequel--even one that gets no theatrical release. Of course, Adrift isn't a sequel at all, but it's more closely related to its predessor than Halloween 3 is to Halloween 2. Obviously there was something to cash in on, given the moderate sucess of Open Water, which was a minimal story of a couple stranded in the sea after they were dumb enough to get left behind by a tourist boat. That couple is actually now looking like mathematicians compared to the six morons in this "based on true events" drama in the ocean, where the interest depends on how resourceful they can be to survive. There are damn good reasons to call them morons. And i'm not talking about any horror movie cliche like, "you stay here, i'll check out that strange sound alone." This is more like, "we are going on a yacht in the open sea, i have an issue with drowning, and i'm bringing our infant." i can't say i felt sorry for the mother when the "captain" of the yacht jumps in the ocean with her while forgetting to lower the ladder. Now, they and four friends are up shit's creek bigtime. At first they worry about sharks and someone even thinks they felt something tugging on them. Strangely enough, trouble with marine life never progresses. At the climax--while the baby is still "onboard"--the jerk that didn't lower a ladder attempts something physically impossible: swimming down into the dark water looking for a knife they lost in the water. At nite, during a storm. There's one more absolutely retarded action at the very end, taken on by the mother of the baby. Let's just say that being adrift too long causes delirium. [rating: *1/2] -Kenyon

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The Brain (1988) What a way to go. Being eaten by an enormous alien mutant monster brain. That's some suggestive effin vore there. Hey, the brain was doing fine controlling minds until some meddling kids got in the way. Now it has to take breaks from its mind control room to eat them. Eating them will cause the brain to expand, and we'll assume, become even more powerful. Now listen brain, don't get a big head! The doctor assisting you just got decapitated! In other words, this film is classic. Rare and never released on DVD. [rating: ***1/2] -Kenyon

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Time of the Wolf (France, 2003) The first 40 minutes were intriguing, as a mother and her two kids atttempt to survive from an unknown disaster. The film takes a nosedive when they get to a soon-to-be crowded shelter, which only causes us to lose track of the myriad of characters and their issues. Some strong performances for a bleak vision which loses its purpose in the second half. That said, Time of the Wolf shares its qualities with 28 Days Later and, judging from clips, the Road (2009). Stars Isabelle Huppert, best known in the U.S for her part in I Schmeart Huckabees (aka I Heart Huckabees). [rating: **1/2] -Kenyon

The Car (1977) "The car, he's in here!" HE! i love you car. You are so smart you were able to get inside that guy's garage. You are so much a better actor than those losers. Yes, Ronny "the ground was hallowed" Cox and James Brolin, who plays cat and mouse with a car from the depths of hell, while allowing his dumb girlfriend to get mauled by the car. Check out those sweet maneuvers by the car. Good job car. [rating: **]-Kenyon


The Thrill Killers (1964, black and white) [rating: no stars] Low-budget snoozefest about a bunch of escaped insane men terrorizing the locals. Unnecessarily long chase scenes were tacked on to fill the 70 minutes. In fact, (from wikipedia) "The original film was to focus around the three mental patients, but Steckler found that while directing the film (with little to no set script) that the film was not running long enough and therefore began to shoot scenes with him as Click." [rating: no stars] -Kenyon

Monster in the Closet (1986) Troma horror comedy with intentional movie cliches. The monster, which is actually kinda cool, hides in closets, grabs people and throws clothes out of the closet. After even the military can't stop the monster that soon threatens the entire world, the cameo-filled cast concludes that they must destroy all closets. [rating: **] -Kenyon

Bite Me (2004) Mutated spiders attack humans at a strip club. Embarassing acting and dialogue along with amateur monster effects makes this Z-grade movie awful in a bad way. Big waste of time, even when fast forwarding. [rating: no stars] -Kenyon

The Fourth Kind (2009) [rating: **] Unless you need to look at this as a case study on case studies for alien abductions, the Fourth Kind is best to be avoided as a movie with entertainment value. Being very interested in alien life and anything related to it, i was anxious for some "disturbing" images. But instead I was rolling my eyes regularly for at least the first 30 minutes, during cliche hypnosis scenes that were in annoying split screens with "actual footage." The sequence of events were equally train-wrecked. First I was wondering if it was just me not being smart enough to follow. But then i realized, no! This movie is just inept! It doesn't help that the acting by the kids who portrayed the children of Dr. Abigail Tyler, the center of the investigation, were as riveting as a cheap made for Lifetime movie. But this isn't even integral to the allegedly real story about fourth kind encounters in Alaska that disrupted the lives of so many people. So many holes and questions. Where to begin? Why is someone under hypnosis always awaken by the therapist just before they are gonna find an answer? How can a guy being hypnotised levitate and produce an alien voice (albeit when the video footage is conviently scrambled)? Can an alien possess a human? Why is the policeman, the only one that saw the alien ship over Tyler's home, never heard from again in the movie? If this is such an important story to tell, then why ruin it and embarrass the people on whom this is based? One of the most troubling sections of the Fourth Kind is when Tyler is recording her own voice, falls asleep, and then a minute later some aliens come in and abuse her. No way the aliens would come that quick and no way she would be in that deep of a sleep that quick. When she was later hypnotized, she was recalling what appeared to be her own abduction that happened prior to her daughter being taken. And yet she's yelling, "give her back!" Are they aliens? Or other? What is their purpose? We do not know. And the characters in this mess are too dumb to even think of asking. -Kenyon

movies left for dead.
this has nothing to do with halloween coming soon. i do this all year round, suckerrrr!
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Blood Sucking Freaks (1976) Misleading title and cover--there is only one freak that does any sucking and it's only one scene. The original title was actually The Incredible Torture Show, which makes hella more sense. Hella hella hella. BSF is a gorey S&M torture film that overcomes the dreadful acting with dismemberment, nude slave brainwashed girls and a leader of the freakazoids (whose sidekick is a black midget) who periodically enjoys getting submissive just like his slaves. Over the top shock value for its time and effin bizarre to say the least. [rating ***] -Kenyon
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See No Evil (2006) * Typical slash trash, but note that it "stars" Kane from WWE. In the weeks prior to its release, the WWE was promoting this and had Kane tie it in to the drama on the show. Everytime someone spoke the date of its release--Rey Mysterio got tricked into doing this--Kane would come out and go berzerk and beat down on whoever said it. The thing that stood out and sucked like a sore thumb was that the biggest jerk of the group of kids/victims was one of the survivors. Kane should have choke-slammed the shit of him. [rating *] -Kenyon
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The Hitcher (2007 remake) All these jerk writers can't think of something new. Remakes/re-imaginings/whatever of Friday the 13th, Halloween, My Bloody Valentine and Last House on the Left have put a damper on the horror genre. Although Hills Have Eyes remake effin RULED. Original Hitcher wasn't widely remembered or is a cult classic. With improved effects it can only make junk like the new version more bloody and violent, which makes this a reason to see. The Hitcher is indeed predictable, although the roles of the boy and girl are reversed from the first film. It's also more implausible than the average horror movie. The maniac that stalks and plays mind games has little character and it hurts the movie's substance, not to mention his ability to easily and quickly pursue them. The reasoning for his actions--which results in the destruction of most of the New Mexico police force!--are avoided, albeit for the last scene in which he suggests that it "feels good." [rating **] -Kenyon

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Headless Eyes (1972) [rating: *] Weirdo artist tries to steel a girl's money. After she gouges his eye out with a spoon, he is now obsessed with doing the same to random victims. He takes the eyes and then does creative things with them, like putting them in ice cubes. Headless Eyes is terribly made with many pointless, dragging scenes, but considering this is from the early 1970s, the gore involving eyeballs must have been shocking. The most memorable--and quite hilarious--scene is at the opening when the guy's eyeball is hanging and the audio for his screaming is looped as he's climbing down the fire escape. -Kenyon
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Spasms (1982) [rating: *1/2] A wealthy man is obsessed with resurrecting the spirit of a giant demon snake. It's just something he has to do. Peter Fonda's character and the man's neice fail in following the creature, while studying the obsessed man's telepathic connection he has with the snake. After biting people to death and causing spasms, the snake makes its way to the guy who has the supposed connection and the snake kills him, even though they had that telepathic connection. Bad snake, bad movie. -Kenyon

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Brick (2006) [rating: no stars] Here's the quote from Rolling Stone on the DVD cover: "a spellbinder. It pins you to your seat." So wrong. i wanted to get off the seat and turn this crap off. Also on the cover: "a detective movie by Rian Jonhson." So misleading. Why would i want to follow the main, unlikeable character (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who walks around in the same drab clothes every day in a depressing (in a bad way), wannabe film noir that has its own pretentious Shakespearean-like language that's impossible to comprehend. An absurd plot revolves around a supposed high-school kid tracking down the disappearance of his ex-girlfriend. Cast includes Lukas Haas as a druglord. i think "Brick" refers to a brick of cocaine. In a movie as excruciating as this, who knows and who really cares. Won the Special Jury Prize for Originality of Vision at the 2005 Sundance Film Festival. Holy crap. -Kenyon